As it turns out, I wasn't sick, it was just the smoke. And the smoke has continued to be bad-- in fact, it was much worse last week because now we have local fires adding into the mix. So I just have to suck it up and stop complaining because it's likely to be smoky for awhile.
My topic this week is (again) personality types-- I think there will be three or four posts over the next ten days or so. I know for some of you this is little more than snake oil, so I'm putting the word "Types" in the post title and then you'll know you can skip right over it.
The personality type no one seems to be talking about: whether you think personality typing is a bunch of over-hyped nonsense, or you find it deeply, deeply helpful. I'm suspicious that the former is true, but I still find myself in the second category. Apologies in advance for those of you who aren't interested. Today's story will do nothing to convince you if you're not already convinced.
A couple of months ago I talked endlessly (as I do) about the Four Tendencies-- Gretchen Rubin's system for identifying how people respond to inner and outer expectations (my explanation of it is here, one of the places you can read her explanation is here, and you can take the quiz at her website, too). I discovered that I'm an Obliger, someone who responds well to outer expectations (like showing up for my food bank volunteer gig every week, because they're expecting me), but not so well to my own expectations (like why can't I seem to stay off my damn phone).
I also wrote a post about how I don't always fit the Obliger profile, because I often exhibit the other tendencies, too-- especially being a Rebel or a Questioner. In fact, I'm even sometimes an Upholder. So do the tendencies mean anything at all? If I can see myself as each one of them, how can it possibly hold any meaning to talk about them as personality types?
But I found the idea so enlightening that I kept reading, and also I've been listening to Gretchen's podcast Happier with her sister Elizabeth. I finally decided that I must be an Obliger who "tilts" rebel-- Gretchen uses the word "tilt" to mean people who are one tendency, but have some of the characteristics of one of the other tendencies.
Ugh. I'm over-explaining for those of you who already know about this, and under-explaining for those of you who don't.
Then I spotted a podcast by Dan Harris (author of 10% Happier, a book I loved and recommended back at the beginning of the year) when he had Gretchen as a guest. Perfect, I thought. I love listening to two intelligent people talk, and they are both ferociously intelligent. The podcast did not disappoint-- it was fascinating-- but the only thing I remember from it now is one line of Gretchen's. She was trying to help Dan figure out what his tendency is, and she said, "People who can see themselves in all of the tendencies are usually questioners."
That brought my brain to a dead halt (and believe me that doesn't happen very often). In the basic chart of the four tendencies, Obligers (good at outer expectations, bad at inner) and Questioners (good at inner, bad at outer) are the exact opposite of each other. How could I have found it so helpful to "realize" that I am an Obliger, but then find it equally as helpful to think about myself as a Questioner?
Because as soon as she said that, I could see that if I changed my understanding of certain things about me, I really might be a Questioner. Once I decide something is important to me, I do it, without any help or prompting from anyone else. I practice my music, I write my blog posts, I do my stretches, I finish reading books that I feel are important for me to read, even if I don't exactly like them.
And it also solves the problem of being an Obliger, which is that you're supposed to set up accountability systems so that you can achieve your goals, and I am terrible at accountability. But if I'm a questioner, I don't have to do accountability, because once I've questioned long and hard enough to figure out that something is worth doing, I just do it.
How weird is that? Both of these realizations-- the Obliger part several months ago, and the Questioner bit a couple of weeks ago-- have been so helpful to me. Just being aware of the concept of watching how I respond to expectations, and how the people around me respond to expectations, has been a game changer. But I don't think I buy that all of us are a specific type. Even with the tilting.
Mind blown. I've been working on this post off and on all day, and I'm afraid if you don't already know about the Four Tendencies it probably made no sense to you. In fact, it's entirely possible that it made no sense to anybody. But it's almost midnight and it's too late for me to write about something else. I will try to be more interesting next time.
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