The next couple of posts are pure navel-gazing. Avoid if you're not in the mood.
Reader Laurel first told me about Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies (and here is Gretchen Rubin's website). I was intrigued. I've told you before that I'm fascinated by personality types, frameworks like the Meyers-Briggs or DiSC that help me understand why I think and act the way I do. I went right over to read about them.
The Four Tendencies are fairly new--Rubin has been writing about them for a couple of years, but her book was just published last fall. The tendencies explain the way we respond to expectations, both our expectations of ourselves (inner expectations) and other people's expectations for us (outer expectations). Rubin has four categories: Upholder (meets both inner and outer expectations with relative ease), Questioner (meets inner expectations but questions expectations placed on them by others), Obliger (meets expectations placed on them by others, but has difficulty prioritizing their own internal expectations), and Rebel (refuses to be bound by either inner or outer expectations).
As a general framework, it's pretty damn helpful. I was surprised to find, after I took the test, that I am an Obliger. I've always thought of myself as a rebel--more on that next time--but once I got over the surprise, and the aversion to being an Obliger (because how boring is that), it helped me understand some things about myself that have never made sense to me.
Obligers shine when people are depending on them, expecting them to get things done. Obligers will knock themselves out to do what a boss/volunteer coordinator/teacher/trainer wants us to do, but left to our own devices, we wander aimlessly, unable to accomplish much of anything. So suddenly it made sense--for example--why I was so good at school and so bad at getting myself to write, back in the day when I was trying to write fiction. Because school is all about external expectations and writing a novel is all about motivating yourself to write.
And oh my lord do I wish Dean and I had known about this when our kids were younger. We could have saved ourselves years of wear and tear. I think Dean is mostly an Upholder. He is a stellar professional and member of our community, and he is stellar at taking care of himself. If he feels like he needs some exercise, he is going to get some exercise. He will not feel guilty about this and he will not be talked out of it— in fact, he will be entirely cheerful and positive in his insistence that he will be a better husband and father if he gets some exercise. (and it's true, he is.)
But when our kids were small, I did not understand this. To me, it seemed selfish in the extreme to come home from work after I'd had a long day with the kids and immediately insist that he needed more time away because he had to get some exercise. But since I am an Obliger, and Obligers are all about doing what other people expect us to do, for the most part, I went along with it and internally seethed. (which, of course, leaked out, as he would tell you if he were here.)
But the flip side is understanding his reaction to me, because it seemed to me that he was never supportive of my need for time away from the kids. I kept waiting for him to say, OK, now it's your turn. Have fun, we'll see you in a couple of hours. And he rarely did. But I kept waiting. As an Obliger, I wanted him to tell me: you need some time to yourself. Go take a break. It is surprisingly difficult for me to make my own needs a priority, but if he told me to do it, it would be easy.
But in his mind--because he didn't know any of this either-- if it was important for me to have some time away from the kids, I would just do it, because that's what he does. Since I didn't do it, it must have seemed to him that it wasn't important to me. I get this now. I'm still not sure I like it. But knowing about the tendencies gives me a way to understand him that I didn't have at the time, which would have really helped me make sense of the dynamic between us, and given me a better framework for reacting with less blaming/judging.
Reader Laurel first told me about Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies (and here is Gretchen Rubin's website). I was intrigued. I've told you before that I'm fascinated by personality types, frameworks like the Meyers-Briggs or DiSC that help me understand why I think and act the way I do. I went right over to read about them.
The Four Tendencies are fairly new--Rubin has been writing about them for a couple of years, but her book was just published last fall. The tendencies explain the way we respond to expectations, both our expectations of ourselves (inner expectations) and other people's expectations for us (outer expectations). Rubin has four categories: Upholder (meets both inner and outer expectations with relative ease), Questioner (meets inner expectations but questions expectations placed on them by others), Obliger (meets expectations placed on them by others, but has difficulty prioritizing their own internal expectations), and Rebel (refuses to be bound by either inner or outer expectations).
As a general framework, it's pretty damn helpful. I was surprised to find, after I took the test, that I am an Obliger. I've always thought of myself as a rebel--more on that next time--but once I got over the surprise, and the aversion to being an Obliger (because how boring is that), it helped me understand some things about myself that have never made sense to me.
Obligers shine when people are depending on them, expecting them to get things done. Obligers will knock themselves out to do what a boss/volunteer coordinator/teacher/trainer wants us to do, but left to our own devices, we wander aimlessly, unable to accomplish much of anything. So suddenly it made sense--for example--why I was so good at school and so bad at getting myself to write, back in the day when I was trying to write fiction. Because school is all about external expectations and writing a novel is all about motivating yourself to write.
And oh my lord do I wish Dean and I had known about this when our kids were younger. We could have saved ourselves years of wear and tear. I think Dean is mostly an Upholder. He is a stellar professional and member of our community, and he is stellar at taking care of himself. If he feels like he needs some exercise, he is going to get some exercise. He will not feel guilty about this and he will not be talked out of it— in fact, he will be entirely cheerful and positive in his insistence that he will be a better husband and father if he gets some exercise. (and it's true, he is.)
But when our kids were small, I did not understand this. To me, it seemed selfish in the extreme to come home from work after I'd had a long day with the kids and immediately insist that he needed more time away because he had to get some exercise. But since I am an Obliger, and Obligers are all about doing what other people expect us to do, for the most part, I went along with it and internally seethed. (which, of course, leaked out, as he would tell you if he were here.)
But the flip side is understanding his reaction to me, because it seemed to me that he was never supportive of my need for time away from the kids. I kept waiting for him to say, OK, now it's your turn. Have fun, we'll see you in a couple of hours. And he rarely did. But I kept waiting. As an Obliger, I wanted him to tell me: you need some time to yourself. Go take a break. It is surprisingly difficult for me to make my own needs a priority, but if he told me to do it, it would be easy.
But in his mind--because he didn't know any of this either-- if it was important for me to have some time away from the kids, I would just do it, because that's what he does. Since I didn't do it, it must have seemed to him that it wasn't important to me. I get this now. I'm still not sure I like it. But knowing about the tendencies gives me a way to understand him that I didn't have at the time, which would have really helped me make sense of the dynamic between us, and given me a better framework for reacting with less blaming/judging.
Another thing Rubin explains about Obligers is the idea of obliger rebellion. Because after an Obliger has met expectations and met expectations and met expectations, suddenly they are DONE. They will quit practically in mid-sentence because NO MORE. It has occurred to me that I am in Lifetime Obliger Rebellion. More about that later, too.
So all in all, I am a big fan of the tendencies, because they've been helpful in ways that feel pretty huge. I find myself thinking about myself and the people around me and the tendencies more often than I would have expected. I highly recommend reading about them, either at her website or in the book.
But part of the reason I think about them so often is because they don't always fit, and it seems to me if I could just figure out the bits that don't fit, that would be even more helpful to me. So additional thoughts about this are coming in Part Two. If you can stand another post full of navel-gazing, come back later this week.
(Sorry this didn't make it up yesterday, there was a small unavoidable delay.)
1 comment:
One, I disagree. This topic is very interesting and informative.
And B:
I took the test.
Rebel.
No surprise there. I'll be reading more, thanks for sharing and keeping us (me?) updated on what you come across and what you learn.
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