Types: Life with Upholders

According to the Four Tendencies, Upholders are people who readily meet both internal and external expectations. In other words, if they decide they're going to start doing triathlons (an internal expectation), they figure out a training regimen and they start doing it. If they're given a tough assignment at work or school (an external expectation), they rise to the occasion and get it done. 

I live in a household full of Upholders. It's hard to tell for sure what Tendency kids might be until they're on their own, but now that both of mine have fled the nest, I can tell you with a pretty high degree of confidence that they are both Upholders, and Dean is an upholder to the bone.

I love my Upholders. They are my favorite people in the universe. They are responsible and kind, they get stuff done (lots of stuff), they are pro-active about making our life all it can be. They love to be physically active, they take great care of themselves, they participate in the community in positive ways without making a big deal out of it-- it's just what they do.

(And also, it must be said-- they are all three different. It's not like being an Upholder rubber stamps your personality.)

I am not an Upholder. I told you my own history about trying to figure out what tendency I am last week, but whatever it is-- Obliger who tilts Rebel? Questioner? -- it's not Upholder. So I'm a bit of an armchair expert on Upholders, and I have two things I want to tell you about them.

First, Upholders sometimes get an unfair rap as having things easy. Because they are rarely conflicted about what they're doing, they usually don't have that muddled, sometimes self-defeating, sometimes confused, why-can't-I-get-this-thing-done-that-I-want-to-do aspect that the rest of us have to deal with all the time.

That's not to say that they never have any problems--of course not. But when an Upholder clicks in on something they want to accomplish or that they are expected to accomplish, they get this torrential energy flow going that looks like it's propelling them along with no effort.

But that forward motion masks how hard Upholders work. In fact, I would say that the number one thing my Upholders have in common is that they are hard workers. They work their asses off. It looks easy, because they have a level of self-confidence and drive that escapes most of us. But underneath that, they're doing as much work as two of me. They're amazing.

The flip side of that, though, is that if you're the only non-Upholder in a household full of them, you kinda look like a slob. They move serenely through life, piling one accomplishment on top of another, while I really still haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

I know my family loves me, and on good days, I know that they appreciate that I loosen them up a bit, and that I pay attention to details that they'd just as soon gloss over in their drive to get things done. But I still look disorganized and chaotic compared to their competence.

Here is a conversation that Dean and I have regularly:
Me: I need to go out and deal with the chickens.
 Dean, who is ready to leave or do something else: The chickens are fine. They have food and water, they'll be fine.

And technically, he's right. They're not going to die. But they'll be happier if I go down and check on them, make sure they have fresh water, give them some scratch, etc. He's not going to let the little things stand in the way of what he wants to get done, I have a hard time getting things done because of the small (but important) distractions I feel I need to take care of.

Another story: Back when the kids were in grade school, we were at a large family reunion (Dean's family). We were staying in a standard room at a motel -- two beds, not much other space, one bathroom. After an afternoon at the beach, we were supposed to be downstairs at the pool in half an hour for a group photo.

But there was just one bathroom, and PellMel was old enough to want her hair to be just so, and MadMax was young enough that he needed some help finding the shirt we were all supposed to wear for the photo, etc etc, and before you know it, all three of them were ready to go and my hair was still wet because I'd been helping the kids and the bathroom had been occupied. This isn't to say that Dean wasn't helping the kids, but he's not the one who is going to help Mel with her hair, or know where MadMax's shirt is.

It's easy in this situation, and believe me it has happened many times, for it to look like I'm just an undisciplined loser who can't keep track of the time. And to be honest, I do have a hard time keeping track of the time. Dean has learned over the 34 years we've been married that if we need to leave at a certain time, about fifteen minutes beforehand, he needs to check and make sure I realize what time it is. Because usually my mental clock is 20 minutes behind the real one.

But on the other hand, sometimes I wish I didn't look and feel quite so incompetent compared to them. I get lots of stuff done, and often it's important stuff. But there they are, all dressed and ready to go, and I'm still fifteen minutes away from being ready-- whether we're speaking literally or metaphorically, it happens all the time.

This is probably a problem that exists more in my head than theirs-- I don't think they see me as incompetent. I think I'm the one who is still, after all this time, just a little bit intimidated by how ferociously they attack their lives.

And when I'm really annoyed with them, I even get aggravated about all that hard work. Ugh. Couldn't they relax every once in awhile? If Dean is sitting in the living room reading the newspaper and I start to unload the dishwasher, he can't sit there and relax while I'm working. If your spouse isn't like that, you probably think it sounds great that he jumps up to help, but when your spouse is tightly wound and you really just want them to relax for a little while, it's annoying. Seriously.

But on the other hand, I get a lot of help with unloading the dishwasher. Can't complain about that. 

So there you are. Your education in life with Upholders.