Dear Friend,
Many years ago, when I was a questioning evangelical myself, I spent a lot of time online looking for people who were going through the same search I was-- to no avail. I don't think that's true any more. Now there are many sources for intelligent, open-ended conversations about faith and religion. But out of some sort of kinship I still feel with my younger self, I'm going to try to write the post I would have wanted to read at that age. Maybe I still need to read it sometimes.
The first thing to say is that if you are an Evangelical who is not questioning, and you've found a vibrant church where you can learn and grow and the people around you are learning and growing, and the conversation is about grace and not judgment, and the teaching is about following Jesus and not earthly politicians-- if you've found a church like that and you're happy, then you don't need this. Evangelicalism wasn't working for me, and in the 40 years since I left it, I've never had any desire to return. But it does work for many-- there wouldn't be millions of Evangelicals if it didn't. Stay faithful and be curious and non-judgmental and don't be afraid to ask questions, but you don't necessarily need to leave.
(If you're not an Evangelical and you're just reading this out of curiosity, you may think that Evangelicals like that don't exist, because the news is often dominated by extremists--but they're out there, and they're doing good things in the world, and they are as frustrated with the extremists as you are. Maybe more so, because they're being mis-represented every day.)
But if, like me, you can no longer bear the judgmentalism, the biased, circular reading of scripture, the near-idolatry of desiring earthly power and influence, and the closed-minded insistence on things that are patently untrue (six day creation? really?), then the next thing to say is be careful who you confide in. You don't need to tell everyone, or speak up in meetings, or bare your heart (and your mind) to your pastor-- not until you're ready, which is probably not yet.
Start paying attention and observing how your church functions and how you function within your church. Watch and learn. How does your church handle people with questions? Are you encouraged to use the mind God gave you? God is big enough and strong enough to survive your questions (and has heard it all before), but often other believers are not that strong. If you do decide to confront someone who is a traditional believer, go into it with the goal of learning, not changing their mind, because it probably won't happen.
Leaving behind a deeply held religious faith-- especially if it is the faith of your family, the faith of your childhood-- is a lonely business, and I was not expecting that. My path had plenty of moments of muddled confusion, but overall, it was so clear to me that I could not continue as an Evangelical that it has always surprised me, sometimes even stunned me, that other Evangelicals I know and love haven't been on a similar journey. My mom and both of my siblings are still deeply Evangelical, as was my dad until his death. I'm fortunate that they still love and accept me and my weird beliefs, because not all "ex-vangelicals" are so lucky. Don't burn any bridges you don't need to (and sadly, you may need to. But don't do it carelessly). That's not being cowardly or weak, it's being loving and smart.
I could have some stronger things to say about church leaders, but if you're a layperson as I am, the whole thing hinges on how you read Scripture. Evangelicals are insistent that the Bible is the "inerrant" (without error) Word of God, as relevant today as it was when it was written. They will you tell you that they believe whole-heartedly that every word of the Bible is factually true. But there are some inconsistencies in their story, and if you start watching carefully, you begin to realize that they tend to land on certain verses more than others, and those verses tend to be the ones that reinforce their biases.
For example, 1 Timothy 2:12 (I do not suffer a woman to teach a man) is a single verse that has been used as the basis for an entire theology of women's roles in the church, ignoring the examples of women named in the text who were leaders and teachers in the early church. Not to mention Galatians 3:28 (In Christ there is no male or female). You don't have to see that as a contradiction in order to realize that the situation might be a little more complex than the traditionalists want you to believe.
Be wary of anyone who is going to give you a verse to prove a point-- because this is a situation that Jesus runs into again and again, and he never falls for it. A Pharisee or a church leader would come up to him with a quotation or a bit of Jewish law (from what we call the Old Testament), and they weren't wrong. They could quote the "verse" (although it wouldn't have been called a verse at that time). But Jesus refused to be trapped into a cramped, limited interpretation of scripture. Even the Tempter himself used scripture to try and trap him. Just the fact that someone can quote a verse doesn't mean they're right.
Oh, it's like opening the proverbial can of worms. Any Evangelical apologist worth their salt can argue about that argument. And that's another good reason not to confront someone you know will not agree-- because they're going to want to prove that you're capital-W Wrong, and that's an argument you're unlikely to win. I'm not an expert, and I can't hand you a winning argument. But I don't need to be an expert, or prove anything to anyone else. All I needed to do was realize that I was no longer going to be trapped into beliefs that were bounded by dry, lifeless interpretations of scripture, interpretations that were intended to put me in my place and keep me there, not allow me to bloom and grow.
.... and it's after midnight. That's why this is part one. More soon.
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