Like most women, I have experienced some sexual harassment. A co-worker making it clear he wouldn't mind having an affair, a boss making random salacious comments and then a blatant proposition, a health care professional being pretty damn unprofessional. I also know dozens and dozens of men with whom I've never felt even slightly uncomfortable.
I was talking about this with some girlfriends the other day. Women know the difference--the difference between teasing or mild flirtation and that slimy feeling you get when some guy is coming on to you in a way that feels degrading and coercive. It's difficult to put a finger on exactly what that difference is-- maybe a sense of entitlement on their part, a feeling that they deserve to get from you whatever it is they want, a narcissistic lack of awareness of when their advances are not wanted. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, it doesn't even have anything to do with you--it's a power play, wanting to notch another conquest.
I was talking about this with some girlfriends the other day. Women know the difference--the difference between teasing or mild flirtation and that slimy feeling you get when some guy is coming on to you in a way that feels degrading and coercive. It's difficult to put a finger on exactly what that difference is-- maybe a sense of entitlement on their part, a feeling that they deserve to get from you whatever it is they want, a narcissistic lack of awareness of when their advances are not wanted. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, it doesn't even have anything to do with you--it's a power play, wanting to notch another conquest.
I'm rambling, I know. Because this whole topic makes me so angry, and I can't figure out how to get into it without dissolving into a banshee wail of rage. I pride myself on having something at least marginally intelligent and/or interesting to say when I write a post, but in this case I can't get there. Any of the half-dozen ways I've tried to logically or practically or sensibly discuss this have simply dissolved into outrage. What is wrong with these assholes? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE ASSHOLES?
You know what just about made the top of my head blow off the other day? Our local newspaper ran an opinion column (I'm not going to link to it, it doesn't deserve any more clicks) by a conservative commentator who blamed the current wave of sexual harassment charges on liberals, because it's our fault the sexual revolution happened back in the 70s. WTF??? First of all, does she think that this kind of stuff never happened before 1970? What kind of nostalgia-inducing drugs is she taking?
And secondly, are we supposed to believe that men can't behave like decent human beings unless they're hemmed in by strict social codes? "This is your problem," she said, addressing liberals, "you fix it." No, it is not anyone's problem except the men that are harassing women. THEY need to fix it by treating women with respect and common decency.
Now you know why I almost never read our paper.
For now I'll just end by saying something about the good guys, the ones I've never felt uncomfortable with. Because sometimes, innocent as they are, they are as much a part of the problem as the bad guys.
Because even the good ones can still get prickly and defensive when you try to honestly explain how it felt. Even the good guys are sometimes more worried about the small chance that they'll be falsely accused than they are about the women who are being taken advantage of. Even the good guys can be more worried about their professional relationship with an asshole than the evidence right in front of them that the guy's a slime.
Because even the good ones can still get prickly and defensive when you try to honestly explain how it felt. Even the good guys are sometimes more worried about the small chance that they'll be falsely accused than they are about the women who are being taken advantage of. Even the good guys can be more worried about their professional relationship with an asshole than the evidence right in front of them that the guy's a slime.
That's when you know that not only have women been groomed to stay silent, but men, the good guys, have been groomed to be blind. The slimy guys, the guys who take advantage of their position of power over women who are vulnerable, who push women far past the point where it has been made clear their advances are not wanted-- those guys just seem like normal guys if you're a guy, too. He's never put his hand on your ass, right? So why should you believe that he'd put his hand on your co-worker's ass? Who are you going to believe? That hysterical, bitchy female or your buddy who buys a round of beers on Thursday night and keeps you laughing while you play a round of golf?
The bad guys have made it a matter of male solidarity to stand together. They do it in ways big and small--by casting doubt on women's perceptions, by spreading the impression that women are just out to get men, that for every true story of harassment out there, there is another woman just making it up, or getting revenge for some imagined slight, or just for the joy of bringing a man down. Men have to stand together, don't they? They have to understand that most women can be ignored, most complaints are just whining. Because if that's not true, then what?
EXACTLY.
Then, what? I can only imagine. I don't know exactly what else to say here. But I may have more to say, and this one is already long enough.
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