that's not how the force works

I was a Star Wars nerd. The first Star Wars movie, the real one, the one they now call Episode IV, came out my sophomore year in high school. I still remember the first time I saw it, sitting white-knuckled at the end, watching anxiously to see if Luke would hit the two-meter target (not much bigger than a wamp rat back on Tatooine). I remember breaking into wild applause when he did, to the consternation of my friend watching with me, who didn't like the movie at all because the Bible says that there is only intelligent life on Earth, not anywhere else (not kidding).

I was instantly addicted. I wish I could say I'm exaggerating, but I saw that movie twelve times the year it came out, and I don't know how many times since. Dozens, at a minimum. I've tried various times to figure out exactly what it was that hooked me, and I still don't really know. The best I can come up with is that it was such a great story. I was thoroughly sucked in to the plot. I was on the edge of my seat to find out what happened.

I loved those characters-- Luke, bursting into Leia's prison cell like an overgrown puppy; Han, the handsome lone wolf hero; Leia with her snarky comebacks ("I recognized your foul stench when I first came on board" and "Into the garbage chute, flyboy"), wielding a gun as handily as the guys. The wookie, the droids, Darth Vader's mechanical breathing.

I loved it all. I adored it. I was a nerdy teenaged girl who loved fantasy and science fiction, and I felt like a stranger in a strange land in East Texas. Star Wars felt like I had found My People. There was an entire strange, lush galaxy out there--no, wait, lots of galaxies, because this one was far, far away-- and it felt like a glimpse of freedom, confirmation that it was possible to get out of the suffocating, cloying social scene of my high school. I was going to be OK, and the good guys were going to win.

Yeah, I know, it's kind of pathetic.

I'm tempted to skip over the prequel episodes entirely, the ones that are now numbered I through III, because I really didn't like them. But there, I mentioned them. And because they were so disappointing, I was determined not to get my hopes up for The Force Awakens. I tried to not even think about it. I put off going to see it for a week or so, because it was seriously risky for me.

But I went, and I liked it. I wasn't disappointed. I think I will wait until all three of them are out to say much more than that, partly because it's impossible to say how I feel about the major plot points until the rest of the trilogy plays out, but mainly because this post isn't about the new movie (episode VII, The Force Awakens), it's about how Star Wars exists in my head.

The first three episodes, the ones now called IV-VI that came out while I was in high school and college, are firmly entrenched in my past. They exist in a secret, closely guarded place in my head. They are mine. I was more than a little surprised to discover that I wasn't all that excited about bringing the experience forward into the present. I didn't really want to know that there are millions of Star Wars fans out there who feel pretty much the same way I do. I didn't want to share the experience. I didn't really even want to update it for the present.

It was a very strange experience to walk into that theater and allow Disney into that space in my head. So I'm really, really glad it wasn't a disaster. I loved Finn, I loved Adam Driver as Kylo Ren, and I especially loved Rey. I was on board with the fate of the character who will only appear in glowing blue for the next installment, if he appears at all.

But there were so many recycled plotlines. The relationship between Kylo Ren and the Supreme Commander (hello, Darth Vader and the Emperor). The plans/map in the droid. And could they really not think of anything to do at the climax besides blow up another freaking death star?

Which is why I'm reserving judgment. Where are they taking this? Is it just going to be one retread after another? a variant re-telling of the original story? or are they going in a new direction? And honestly, either of those options could work, it just remains to be seen if they can pull it off.

Yeah, OK, I know. I am a thoroughly average 54-year-old housewife who just wrote an entire blog post about a Disney movie. It's a little nuts. Maybe a lot nuts. I know it's not everybody's cup of tea, or even glass of blue milk. I know some of you are shaking your heads at how serious this was for me. But you know, I've never claimed to be anything but a nerd with bad taste, so I'm not apologizing. I'd still probably list the original Star Wars movie in my top ten movies of all time.

Whether or not Episode VII joins that list remains to be seen.