About twenty years ago Doug and I decided we needed new living room furniture. We'd been making do for years with a sofa and loveseat that we'd inherited from my parents. I really loved the look of it, but it was literally falling apart. If you put any pressure on the arm of the sofa, it came off.
One thing I learned early on with Doug is that although he is not as opposed to shopping as some people, he does not want to go to every furniture store in town to make sure that the furniture we end up with is the absolute best option in our price range. That's my style of shopping. I shop fast--I can tell within five minutes of walking in a store whether or not I need to stay and look harder--but for a major purchase, I need to be sure we're getting The Right One.
So I pre-shopped. I spent a couple of afternoons going around to every furniture store within reach (which involved a fair amount of driving, because furniture stores aren't exactly thick on the ground around here). I narrowed it down to two choices and took Doug with me to decide. The two choices just happened to be at a store in another town, so it was a bit of a production to find an afternoon he was free, make the drive, entertain our five-year-old, etc etc.
We arrived at the store, and --in a move that would not surprise me now, after thirty years of marriage, but did at that point-- Doug didn't like either one of the sofas I had picked. The sofa he wanted was that one, over there. Which I didn't really like.
We whispered and hissed at each other and made no progress. We decided to take a break and go get something to eat, then returned to the store still without a decision. I finally agreed that we could go with that sofa if we could get different fabric. But that was a special order and a special order was going to cost a bunch more and take six weeks. And we had come all that way, and for some reason I felt like we needed to buy something that day.
So I caved. We bought the sofa I didn't like. I was pissed about that sofa for years. I am not exaggerating. We ended up in marriage counseling a few years later and it was one of the first things I brought up.
The counselor said something that seems so obvious in retrospect that I can't believe I didn't know this, but I didn't: if you're at loggerheads, keep going. If we couldn't find a sofa we both liked at that store, it was time to go to another store. Sometimes you have to make a decision right that minute, but usually decisions aren't that urgent.
The other thing I learned from that marriage counselor is that caving in is never a good idea if you can't do it gracefully. If you're going to be angry and smoldering with resentment--and I was; I'm embarrassed to admit I could be that petty over a piece of furniture, but believe me, I was-- it's not worth it. Better to keep arguing (oops, I mean discussing) than to give in and seethe.
That was complete and utter news to me. I had been raised to keep the peace, and I'm a middle child, so if there's any truth to the birth order stuff, I'm a peacemaker by nature. It had never occurred to me that sometimes you should keep arguing (oops, I mean discussing). Never crossed my mind. Of course you have to argue/discuss/fight fairly and use good communication techniques, but still: you keep disagreeing until you figure out a way to resolve the disagreement. Or else you just keep disagreeing without pretending you agree.
So there's my bit of marital wisdom for today. I only have two further things to say about this story. One, I'm not sure why I'm telling you this because just about everyone I know who reads here has been married or together as long as we have and you probably learned this a long time ago. It's just what came to mind when I was thinking of a topic this morning.
Two, what is the difference between a couch and a sofa? I thought maybe it was regional--I've lived enough different places that I can no longer keep track of who says what where. But according to everything I found, sofa and couch are exactly interchangeable everywhere in the US, although I did find one article that argued that a sofa is slightly more formal than a couch. Arbitrarily I went with sofa, although there's nothing formal about our house.
That's all. The cruise was fun, and I had a great time with my mom. I'll tell you more about it on Friday.
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