and sometimes we're as dumb as a box of rocks

One of my trips this summer was to a wedding attended by many of my beloved cousins, the children of my dad's siblings (the cousins on my mom's side are also great, but I don't see them very often anymore). We spent lots of time together growing up, and they are some of the dearest people in my life.

With some notable exceptions (like my cousin Anne, with her beautiful dark hair), we all kind of look alike, and we seem to look more alike as we get older. Put us in a row--and we did, for wedding pictures--and we're blond with pale blue or green eyes, horribly near-sighted and endearingly (I hope) nerdy. The most noticeable difference among us is that my dad and his sister generated fairly tall children, but their brother's kids are pretty dang short.

We have other things in common, too. For the most part, we are introverted, opinionated, intelligent, and a bit on the prickly side, socially speaking. You sometimes have to know us pretty well before you find the soft underbelly beneath the porcupine quills. And oh yeah, we're socially inept. We want to be part of a group, but we don't really know how.

It's not true of all of us-- my younger sister and at least a couple of my cousins are highly social and move gracefully in and out of various groups in a way that make the rest of us envious. But for the most part, we're a pretty introverted, socially awkward group.

We know that from life experience, though, not from hanging out with each other. Because when we're together, we act like extroverts. We talk and talk and talk. Often loudly. We tease each other--mercilessly--we argue, we tell stories. Our spouses refuse to play when we start Rook, the card game we played endlessly as children (double deck, call your partner, in case you were wondering). It can get a little fierce.

It doesn't feel introverted. I didn't know I was an introvert until I was in my twenties--partly because I'd never heard the term, at least not in any way that seemed relevant to me. It wasn't something we talked about back then. But also because when I'm with a group of people I know well, I function just fine. 

It's not until I'm thrown into a new group or a social situation that requires schmoozing that I suddenly remember that I'd rather stick needles under my fingernails than stand around and chat with people I barely know. One or two social functions a month are about as many as I can handle. I need to get out so I don't get stir crazy, but most of the time I'd rather be at home.

Wow, I am so far off track. This post was going to be about something else entirely. OK, so the original idea that I was going to discuss is different kinds of intelligence, what is now called multiple intelligences. 

My cousins and I are smart. We are really smart. But we're a particular kind of smart, the kind that is good at school and does well on standardized tests. We're the kind of smart that can memorize facts and read teachers and play the game of school. The kind of smart that heads into a test thinking bring it on. 

But we're pretty dang dumb when it comes to social situations and dealing with emotions--what is now known as social intelligence and emotional intelligence. When my generation was young, and for the two or three centuries before that, the kind of smart that I am--school smart--was the only kind of smart. If you were good at school, it was supposed to be a guarantee of success. If you made bad grades, you were dumb and your future was dim.

It's pretty clear these days that that isn't true. The idea of multiple different types of intelligence just makes sense, because there are plenty of people who may or may not have been good at school who are geniuses at throwing a party, or hitting a golf ball, or taking a failing business and turning it around. Or making millions of dollars.

I am really having a hard time getting back into the swing of writing blog posts, because this one is all over the place. The reason for this post is primarily as background for another one sitting in my drafts folder, about being smart--I didn't want you to think I'm bragging. I may have been good at school, but I'm dumb as a post at a whole bunch of other things. In the grand scheme of things, being good at school is a pretty pointless superpower--I'd much rather be able to fly. As I was explaining that, it turned into its own post.

The other thing I wanted to tell you is along the lines of celebrating midlife, because at least in some ways, my cousins and I have aged well. We're a whole lot more patient and understanding than we used to be. Those analytical brains mean we can be pretty hyper-critical and sharp-tongued, and in our younger days, we really were.

But I noticed at this wedding that we seem to have moved past that phase. We've all been through difficult times. Few of us are where we thought we would be if you had asked us 30 years ago. Time has softened us, made us more sympathetic, more supportive of each other.

Maybe we're learning a little social intelligence after all.