HEALTH.

I've told you before about my Thought for The Year. One year it was "lighten up," last year it was "pay attention." During 2020, there were some moments when the phrase "pay attention" would pop into my head, occasionally in surprising contexts, but also weeks went by when I didn't think about it at all.

So it seemed kind of pointless. This year, the first week in January, I decided that I wouldn't do one this year. Before the thought was even fully formed, the word HEALTH popped into my head. 

Me: That "phrase of the year" thing didn't really do any good last year so this year I'm not ...

HEALTH.

Me: No, seriously, I'm not going to do one th...

HEALTH.

Me: Health? 

Yes. HEALTH.

So, OK, looks like HEALTH is my word for the year. 

And honestly, the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I didn't exactly let myself completely go last year, but it was a shitshow of a year, and there were times when my own well-being just didn't seem all that important compared to everything else going on.

By the end of the year, I was no more stressed or exhausted than anyone else, but I was definitely stressed and exhausted. I had arrived there in my own individual way, and learning my way back has to happen in my own way, too. 

I've learned some things from all that lockdown time, some things about myself that I'd never really known, because who the hell thinks about what it would be like to be shut down for six months before it happens? 

First and foremost, I figured out that mental health takes some work. I've told you before that I have periods of depression and paranoia, and over the years I've figured out some ways to jostle myself along when I'm in the pits. But I don't think I fully realized that being responsible for my mental health means being proactive-- because at least some of the things that I need to be proactive about are things that happen without any effort when there's no shutdown.

For example: making it a priority to spend time with people I love, even if it's just a zoom call. Seeking out fun and laughter. Not letting myself get too bored.

And that's on top of the things that I already knew: avoid sugar and too much caffeine. Stay away from books and media that will leave me feeling dark despair. Get some exercise. Get outside every day, even if it's just for a few minutes. Hold on to my sense of self, the things I know about myself, so that I don't give in to pressure from others to do things I know I don't want to do. 

Vibrant health has a lot of components: healthy body, healthy mind, healthy spirit. Feeling loved and loving others. Knowing that you have something to contribute. 

I'm figuring this out as I'm typing. Maybe this will be an ongoing topic going forward. My version of health will be different than yours, but maybe we can think about this together. 

p.s. I hope you've been around long enough to know that I don't seriously believe I'm hearing a voice in my head. But I do have these thoughts sometimes that feel like they are from some other source. Sometimes I think it's because I spent so many years in therapy when I was in my 20s and 30s. I have an internalized therapist. Maybe I should give her a name. For example, a couple of weeks ago when I got in a weird situation with an acquaintance, my therapist voice wisely (and somewhat irritatingly) suggested that maybe a little KINDNESS and HUMILITY were in order. Apparently my inner therapist speaks in all caps. 

Have a great weekend.

DwD Depression's antidotes part 2

On top of everything, I got a nasty cold this week and between the achy muscles and the head-full-of-wool feeling, I mainly just sat on the couch and read Betty Neels. Who, if you are unfamiliar with the name, is the author of cookie cutter British romance novels that I adore, sexist stereotypes and all. They are the book equivalent of frosted strawberry pop-tarts.

Now that I'm coming out of it, I'm so happy to be feeling better that I'm having a hard time remembering why I need to finish this series of posts. But I said I would, so here you go.

DwD: Depression's Antidotes, part one

When you're depressed, there are plenty of days when getting out of bed in the morning is a statement of faith, and accomplishing the basic tasks of life is as courageous as scaling a mountain. But when you come out of the worst of it, there start to be days when you can figure out how you're going to handle yourself.

And then, of course, there are days you can't. But this post is about the days when you're still depressed but you're capable of thinking about an approach, a way to deal with yourself. The answers, as we've already said, are as individual as the people who experience depression, but that doesn't mean we can't talk about some of them.

7ToF: seven things about depression

(apologies to those of you who are uninterested in this topic, I will be done with this series of posts before next Friday, promise.)

1. If you've stumbled on this through Google or whatever, and you're really seriously depressed, and especially if you're suicidal, please get help. You're worth it. Depression fools you into thinking that the world would be better off without you, but it isn't true. If you need a place to start, look in your phone book for your local helpline, or you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which is staffed 24 hours a day, at (800) 273-8255.

DwD: depression's useful side

I think the first and most important thing I've learned, and I can't stress this enough, is that depression isn't a bad thing. The first time a therapist said this to me, it was a complete mind-blower. There are things that are worth being depressed about, she said. I'm sure I stared at her with my jaw hanging open.

DwD #0: dealing with depression

I've had an idea for about a year now for a series of posts on depression. I went so far as to create a site on WordPress and come up with a pseudonym, a blog title, and a tagline. There were a couple of reasons I wanted to do it anonymously, but being embarrassed about depression was not one of them.

I suspect that among women in their 50s, the number of us who have never experienced depression is pretty small. There's post-partum depression and grieving over the death of a loved one depression and empty nest/life transition depression and this job sucks but I can't quit right now depression and the world is a horrible place and I can't fix it depression. Just to name a few.