Friday, September 11, 2020

Tepid water, please

I've been such a grump this week that I thought I might scratch my own eyes out. In the midst of that, I wrote the post below. Last night, almost on a whim, I decided to drive to Missoula today just to get the heck out of town before I lost my ever-lovin sh!t. I was only there a few hours but other than a weekend trip to visit PellMel back in June, it's the first time I've been out of town since February. My mental status is much improved, so now I'm feeling a little guilty about this post, which is practically a rant. But at least I'm warning you if you're not in the mood to read my whine. 

Here is a typical situation that has happened more times than I can count over the past twenty-ish years. I'm sitting in a PTA/church/community/friend meeting and we need to make a decision. I actually enjoy listening to people's ideas and opinions, but once everyone has expressed their opinion and we're getting to the point where we're re-expressing our opinions, or re-hashing something we've been over eight times, or we're spinning our wheels because nobody wants to make a decision, I get impatient. Really impatient. So I say, "I think we should do xyz." Then suddenly, that is what we are doing. 

It's never my intention to bulldoze the group into doing what I want. In fact, I rarely care what we do. I'm just trying to get us past the endless discussion phase, and into the "let's make a decision and end this meeting" phase. I want to stop meandering around and get something done.  

Then later I find out that someone's feelings were hurt or someone thought I was ignoring them, or I was supposed to defer to someone (not necessarily the group leader) who is the queen bee. 

When I figured out that was happening (which took years, I told you I was clueless about social interactions), I started trying to be more clear. Instead of saying, "I think we should do xyz," I would very carefully make it clear that it was just my opinion, "Well, my vote is xyz, what does everyone else think?" That sometimes backfires because it can lead to reopening the endless discussion, but the intent is to prod us into moving on. 

Apparently, that still is not a good solution. I tried this a few months ago at a meeting which ended not long after. A couple of weeks later, one of the other women said to a mutual friend, "Bless her heart, Barb told us what we should do." I don't think she was especially angry with me, because I was standing right there when she said it, but still it surprised me. Is that how it came across? I thought I had said it so carefully.

I kinda feel bad that she felt that way, but I could not regret getting out of that meeting, which had already gone on for an hour. Somehow I give the impression that I am stubborn and uncompromising.* I don't usually care what happens--sometimes I don't care at all-- I just hate the infinity loop of pointless discussion. And somehow, even when I am trying extra hard not to sound opinionated, it seems that way to other people.

Here's a sideways version of the same thing. We have a group of friends that we've known for years. When we get together, the women drink wine, and the guys drink beer (lots of good breweries around here). I don't drink wine very often because it gives me a headache, but I'd take a glass to be sociable and sip at it. Finally, a couple of years ago I decided it was silly to pretend I like wine when I don't, so I said something about how I really don't care for wine and I'd rather have a beer. 

The next time we got together with those friends, there was no wine. Everyone had a beer. Which was not my intent. I just want to do what I want, and have other people do what they want, and not get into this group-think thing where everybody has to do the same thing. 

I could go on and on. It makes me crazy. Don't change your opinion because of me. If you like wine, drink the damn wine. If you won't be who you are, I can't be who I am. I don't want a friendship where I can only be who I am at your expense.

Sorry. I'm starting to rant. Figure out what you think, and then own it. If you like wine, it's OK for you to drink wine even if it gives me a headache. And, going back to the previous situation, for the love of pete, it's OK for me to express an opinion without making an obeisance to the queen bee. 

That wasn't where I thought this post was going when I started. If you have any advice about how exactly one phrases an opinion without offending people, let me know. If it involves prefacing your words with, "Wellll, you know, maybe we could, I don't know, if it's OK with you, maybe we could think about possibly ...." I'll warn you in advance I'll be rolling my eyes.

Ignore me and have a great weekend.

* OK, ok, now that I'm back from my road trip, I can hear you laughing. I am opinionated and stubborn, it is true. But usually I only inflict it on Dean.

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