Monday, September 12, 2016

you have to start small, like oak trees.

I love a good road trip, always have. One of the main reasons I love them is because you have time to think. We've been so busy for the past few months that I got behind on my thinking. So when the opportunity came to drive to Seattle last week to retrieve PellMel, I jumped at the chance. Really, she could have driven herself, but I wanted to do it. Two of my dearest friends live in Seattle, for one thing, and there's all that time in the car.

It was a lot of fun. PellMel and I had a great time bopping around downtown Seattle, we had some great food, we had lots of fun with our friends Laurel and Kami. But also, thankfully, I had lots of time to think.

And you know what I realized? Almost like a voice said it in my head: I am done blogging.

I think I've known it for awhile, but I'm a stubborn person, and I didn't want to be a quitter. This blog has never really taken off, and I didn't want to give up on it.

My previous, more successful blog was fairly anonymous, but this one is not. And one of the things that happens when you tell people you have a blog is that you start getting feedback. Most people are completely uninterested--in fact, they look slightly panicked when you tell them you have a blog, because you might expect them to actually read the thing. And then there are the few, my beloved readers--you--who are supportive, and make it all worthwhile.

But there is also a third group, whose voices sometimes sound loudest in my head, who react with criticism or disdain, or who are so stunned and surprised that it's a little insulting, or who can't understand why I think anyone would want to read something I'd written. Or the woman who said with great warmth and kindness, "I remember when I used to have time to do things like that." She didn't pat me on the head, so there's that.

And those responses made me stubborn. Even though I've wanted to quit several times over the past few months, I didn't want to prove the negative people right. I didn't want this blog to fail. So I kept going.

Finally, when I had the time to think these past few days, I realized that I can't let the naysayers make my decision for me. If I'm done, I'm done. Maybe after more than a dozen years of blogging (my first post was in December of 2003), it's time to move on.

So *hiccup* this might be my last real post (see postscript below). It's possible this is a temporary decision, but at the moment, I'm pretty sure it will be permanent. I had three or four posts planned for the next couple of weeks, but once the idea of stopping took hold, it seemed kind of pointless to continue. 

I am forever grateful to those of you who have followed along. Hugs and love and happy trails.

p.s. There may be one more post after this one--when I have time to put it together-- with links to the posts from this blog that I think are worth reading, sort of like an index, but it won't have anything new. So if you're subscribed, you can safely unsubscribe without missing anything.

p.p.s. the post title is from the end of The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett. It seemed better to end by looking forward.


Laurel said...

I have really enjoyed reading your blog, and appreciate all the "food for thought" I get while reading it. Your insights almost always trigger me to think more deeply, or more carefully about issues. Personally, I will miss "reading your mind" through these posts, but I understand where you are coming from. Lack of feedback can be demoralizing, but it is also deceptive because you never get to know how much your writing affects us. I do think that when you take something "away" (like blogging) you open up space for something else in your life, and I hope the "something else" is rewarding!

A mutual friend of ours said something to me once that stung and MADE ME SO ANGRY that I remember it to this day--- At a post high school, post university gathering (probably someone's wedding) she asked me what I was doing and I told her I was in law school and she summarily dismissed it as "...something I toyed with doing...". TOYED WITH DOING? TOYED with making the grades, taking the tests, applying, being accepted and then succeeding?? FURIOUS. I toyed with being FURIOUS at her, but just weakly smiled. LOL. And, as a person who has not held a paying job for decades, I've dealt with the "I wish I had time to...." comments from people looking in to how I spend my time. blah blah blah or other comments suggesting that I somehow had more than the standard 24 day we all are fortunate to have. I sometimes remind the speaker that we all have the same number of hours in the day, and we all choose how we spend them. That's what it is. A choice. Period. We all get the same time, no more .. no less. Rant over, and this is your last post? ACK! I waited too long!!!

Julie said...

I understand, but boy will I miss the musings.... and the updates on chickens/dogs/classes.

Probably what I loved most about ALL of your blogs was how your thinking takes you places that mine never has. I love that about us. Our differences, which invariably reminded me of our sameness.

You do you.
(That's my new favorite saying, it's delightful.)

Debbie Quigg said...

Oh I understand this. I am at a cross-roads myself on the old blog. I have finally admitted to myself that after 8 years of blogging my blog mojo may have taken a permanent break. I am not yet ready to say the final goodbye but I am considering it.

I will miss reading you.