More navel gazing. You've been warned.
As I said in the previous post, I'm an Obliger, someone who functions well with external expectations but not so well when I need to be motivated from within (according to Gretchen Rubin, author of the Four Tendencies). But you know, the great thing about being old is that you've learned some stuff. I may not have known anything about the four tendencies, but I have at least a little bit of knowledge about how I function, and without knowing what I was doing, I've come up with some ways to deal with the dilemmas of Obliger life, so I thought I'd share.
Exhibit A: this blog. I've taken several breaks, of course, even some long ones, but mostly, I've been blogging steadily (here and in my previous blogs) for a long time now. No one expects me to do it, no one gives me a grade, no one pats me on the head. I've never figured out those associate links and I don't have ads, so there is definitely no financial payoff. So if I'm such an Obliger, how am I doing this? I shouldn't be able to accomplish anything that doesn't come with external expectations or rewards.
I think that maybe having a creative outlet is something that can do an end run around an Obliger's usual need for external motivation. I have friends who paint or knit or scrapbook. Or cook. My grandmother crocheted doilies for every surface in the house. If Obligers were only capable of responding to external motivation, creative hobbies would never happen, because they're not required by any external source. But most people--and since Obligers are the largest group, surely some of them are Obligers--get a great deal of personal satisfaction out of their hobbies, even if nobody appreciates it.
I haven't talked to any other Obligers, so I can't speak for everyone, but for me, that outlet needs to be something sort of small that can fly under the radar, so to speak. I don't make a secret of my blog, but not very many people know about it. It's a really satisfying feeling to know that this is just my thing, not anybody else's, and I can say whatever I want (even if I lose 80% of my readers, as I did after some recent posts).
And a related one: I have a terrible time motivating myself to finish projects, even if I start them full of enthusiasm (which sounds like a classic obliger problem). Rubin wants Obligers to come up with some sort of exernal accountability system to deal with this dilemma, but I'm such an introvert that the thought of checking in with a group about my little things isn't very appealing.
I've learned that I can eventually get stuff done if I bite off tiny chunks at a time. Instead of cleaning out an entire closet, clean out one shelf at a time, or even half a shelf. Spend five minutes, or even three minutes, making progress on an unfinished project every day. I can do that. If I set aside three hours to plow through something, in half an hour I'm overwhelmed, but three minutes is totally do-able. Eventually things get done.
And another one: Choose your job or your church or your volunteer work carefully. Obligers feel a certain amount of compulsion to go along with the program, so make sure the program is something you can feel good about. (I just deleted a long paragraph of more detail about that, but it was boring and this is already too long.)
And another: this isn't really an ObligerLifeHack, just an observation. One of the many mind blowing realizations I had about being an Obliger was OH!! That's why other people don't think I'm a failure. I mean, this isn't something that I bring up with just anybody, but on the few occasions when I've confessed to my deep feelings of failure and disappointment in myself, the person I'm talking to looks at me like I'm nuts. How can you possibly feel like a failure? But the idea of being an Obliger makes it immediately clear: because I haven't failed at meeting their expectations, I've just failed at meeting my own.
This has gone on way too long, and I didn't really get to another thing I wanted to say, so surprise, there will be a Part 3. I've already mostly written it so maybe even tomorrow.
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