(I wrote the first 5 of these about a month ago and then ended up not posting it. Since we're going out of town this weekend, I'm pulling it out, dusting it off, and adding two more. So, for the record, the wind storms in #4 were awhile back, not recently, thank you, weather gods.)
(Since we're out of town for the next few days I probably won't post next week. You know what? I've lost my sense of humor. I'm counting on spring to bring it back. IF SPRING WOULD EVER FREAKING GET HERE.)
1. Among other things that I didn't tell you about that happened during my 14-month blogging break was our kitchen/living room renovation. Thank your stars I wasn't blogging while that was happening. I know what I like when it's done, but getting there involves a neurotic mess of insecurities about all the decisions. And you didn't have to read about any of it! *throws confetti*
2. The kitchen is done and I love it, but there were other bits and pieces, too, that we have just recently finished-- like replacing our ancient living room furniture, finding rugs to go over our new fake wood floor, etc etc etc. (yes. still.) At the moment, the only thing left on my list is a new coffee table and end tables. Sounds simple, right? But I've been looking off and on for months now and haven't found the right thing. It's starting to really irritate me.
3. Anyway. That was a side-track, what I was really going to tell you about is our 40-year old house. It wasn't very solidly built to begin with, so living here has been a fairly continuous round of fixing up and shoring up. We have not replaced the windows, because money, so we still have the same old ill-fitting drafty windows. Most of the time, this isn't a problem. New windows would be nice, but these are fine.
4. But when it's windy, the house is a bit, ummmm, chilly. Fortunately this doesn't happen very often, but we've had two major wind storms in the past three weeks, one with winds gusting over 50 mph. And when it's really windy we get a little extra special bonus, because the wind ends up blowing snow inside the sliding glass doors to the deck. (Not much, but still.) Solid as a rock, this house is. *rolls eyes*
5. Recommended: Dan Harris's book 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help that Actually Works. The title kind of says it all, doesn't it? It's a (mostly non-religious) story of how he learned to meditate. He's a great writer, with lots of entertaining stories to tell from his career in journalism. It's possibly the only book on meditation that I've read all the way through from beginning to end. Usually with non-fiction I read about the first third and then either quit or skim through the rest, but I made it all the way through this one.
6. But there are a couple of places where I disagree with him. He ends up doing specifically Buddhist meditation (not at first, but eventually he gets there). So he accepts the Buddhist theological explanation for what's going on when he meditates. I have ended up not accepting the Buddhist framework (although learning about it gave me some great insights). So I have a different theory about it.
He says at one point that meditation is not just a mental trick, but you know, I think it is. I mean, that's a shorthand way of describing it that ignores a lot of profound experience, but in the end, what meditation does for me is teaches me the mental trick of being able to separate myself (detach) from the maelstrom of thoughts and emotions that can threaten to bring me down. In fact, sometimes it does more than threaten, it does bring me down. Meditation has taught me that I have a self beyond that seething whirl of thoughts and emotions. It gives me the skill of stepping off the hamster wheel, even if briefly.
Hmmmm. This is a huge topic and maybe we can return to it sometime but for right now I think that's all I have to say.
7. The reading project-- to finally read some of the books that have been on my TBR list forever-- is going pretty well. So far I've read The Night Circus (good, but really needed about 50 pages cut from the middle), The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime (good), and Heartburn (quick read, surprisingly dated, but it did make me laugh out loud occasionally. Maybe you had to have been alive in the 70s). Am in the middle of Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks (v. good). Also made it partway through Atonement and decided it wasn't for me. Although that one has been so highly recommended that I may go back to it at some point. I'm just not in the right place for something that intense at the moment.
that's all. I'm scheduling this one, hope you have a great weekend. And next week, too.
Friday, March 30, 2018
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Obliger life, part three: No, I'm not, and you can't tell me what to do, and I'm not going to follow that rule if it doesn't make sense to me. So there.
When I was in my mid-twenties, a colleague of mine went to a seminar about workplace dynamics. The seminar speaker's point was that everyone is always selling something. My friend came back a complete convert--he enthusiastically explained to us how every single interaction, large and small, business and personal, is really about selling something.
I've heard about many similar systems since then, but at the time, it was a new concept to me, and we spent several interesting lunches discussing whether or not this was actually true. For every example we could think of that seemed to deny his new-found theory, he had a response. What about close friends? What about soldiers providing protection for civilians? What about a mother and child? There was always an answer.
The thing about those kinds of theories (Everyone, in every situation, is selling you something. Every interaction is an exchange of power. Everyone is a sinner in need of grace), is that there is lots of truth in them, and by adopting the idea, even temporarily, you can learn plenty.
And if you really buy in 100%, you can make everything fit your theory. But.... I don't know. Maybe some of you have found theories that 100% explain everything in your life. My own experience is that systems of thought are useful tools, but 100% buy-in leads to forcing people/experiences/situations into categories where they don't necessarily fit. It seems to me that life is too complex to be contained in a neat categorization system, and attempts to rationalize life eventually fail.
So regarding our current topic, Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies: The idea of them is fascinating, but it breaks down when she pushes it too far--there are so many mitigating factors that affect where one fits in her categories and so many people I know--including myself-- who don't fit neatly in any one place. And how do the tendencies interact with other personality types like being an introvert vs extrovert? or being a team player vs. being a lone wolf? or a perfectionist vs. someone with a high tolerance for chaos?
The previous two posts were about the mind-blowing insights I've experienced in thinking about her ideas. But this one is about the ways it doesn't work. Gretchen self-reports that she is practically 100% Upholder, so that may be part of the problem--she doesn't really get what it's like to not fit neatly. Also, I don't think Upholders experience the internal conflicts and confusion that the rest of us do-- I don't think I have any Upholder readers at the moment, so I can't ask. But it makes sense.
Because while it's clear to me that my over-arching tendency is Obliger, I experience expectations in my own head as a Rebel and a Questioner-- and even sometimes, as an Upholder (for example, at work I have no problem setting personal expectations and meeting them, even if they are things that no one will know about). I ignore rules that don't make sense to me. I bristle when someone tries to tell me what to do or how to think. I never follow the recipe.
While I was taking the Four Tendencies quiz, I already knew enough about them to have at least some idea of where the questions were going, and I thought to myself, really, I am a rebel with a healthy dose of common sense (no offense intended to the rebels among us). In my head, I have questioning and rebellious thoughts all the time. That's how I think. I look at people and situations and analyze them and try to figure out motivations and inefficiencies and strategies.
But on the outside, you might not be able to tell, because I don't usually question or rebel outwardly unless I feel like it's going to make a difference. And like a good Obliger, that most often happens on someone else's behalf. There was a situation at work last fall that didn't make much difference to me, but my co-workers were upset about it, so I went in and asked questions and pushed for change. Probably not typical Obliger behavior.
Am I an Obliger because I feel compelled to meet other people's expectations? Probably. But usually I go along with the program because I know from experience that always questioning, always refusing, doesn't get the results I want. Maybe the difference between me and someone who is truly a rebel is that refusing to comply isn't a compulsion for me. I can think about it and decide what I want to do, whereas maybe someone who is truly a rebel doesn't have that option. (Julie, what do you think?) Or maybe it's just that I'm older and more experienced. It's entirely possible if I'd taken this quiz when I was 19 that I would have had a different result.
An example. If I take a job knowing that there is a dress code, I'm fine with that, because it's part of the job and I've decided to take the job. But if you add a dress code to a job that I took thinking there wasn't one, I would turn into a really, really stubborn questioner. I quit a job once because they changed the rules on me. I agreed to the old rules, not these rules.
Rubin has mixed categories-- Obliger-Rebel, Upholder-Questioner, etc. But none of those fit very well either. So I guess all I'm trying to say is that Gretchen's system, like all systems, works as far as it works, and then it doesn't. I'm sure if she were here she'd explain exactly how I really do fit into one of her categories. But I'm resistant.
Still, I highly, highly recommend the book. Because the times her system works far outweigh the times it doesn't.
I've heard about many similar systems since then, but at the time, it was a new concept to me, and we spent several interesting lunches discussing whether or not this was actually true. For every example we could think of that seemed to deny his new-found theory, he had a response. What about close friends? What about soldiers providing protection for civilians? What about a mother and child? There was always an answer.
The thing about those kinds of theories (Everyone, in every situation, is selling you something. Every interaction is an exchange of power. Everyone is a sinner in need of grace), is that there is lots of truth in them, and by adopting the idea, even temporarily, you can learn plenty.
And if you really buy in 100%, you can make everything fit your theory. But.... I don't know. Maybe some of you have found theories that 100% explain everything in your life. My own experience is that systems of thought are useful tools, but 100% buy-in leads to forcing people/experiences/situations into categories where they don't necessarily fit. It seems to me that life is too complex to be contained in a neat categorization system, and attempts to rationalize life eventually fail.
So regarding our current topic, Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies: The idea of them is fascinating, but it breaks down when she pushes it too far--there are so many mitigating factors that affect where one fits in her categories and so many people I know--including myself-- who don't fit neatly in any one place. And how do the tendencies interact with other personality types like being an introvert vs extrovert? or being a team player vs. being a lone wolf? or a perfectionist vs. someone with a high tolerance for chaos?
The previous two posts were about the mind-blowing insights I've experienced in thinking about her ideas. But this one is about the ways it doesn't work. Gretchen self-reports that she is practically 100% Upholder, so that may be part of the problem--she doesn't really get what it's like to not fit neatly. Also, I don't think Upholders experience the internal conflicts and confusion that the rest of us do-- I don't think I have any Upholder readers at the moment, so I can't ask. But it makes sense.
Because while it's clear to me that my over-arching tendency is Obliger, I experience expectations in my own head as a Rebel and a Questioner-- and even sometimes, as an Upholder (for example, at work I have no problem setting personal expectations and meeting them, even if they are things that no one will know about). I ignore rules that don't make sense to me. I bristle when someone tries to tell me what to do or how to think. I never follow the recipe.
While I was taking the Four Tendencies quiz, I already knew enough about them to have at least some idea of where the questions were going, and I thought to myself, really, I am a rebel with a healthy dose of common sense (no offense intended to the rebels among us). In my head, I have questioning and rebellious thoughts all the time. That's how I think. I look at people and situations and analyze them and try to figure out motivations and inefficiencies and strategies.
But on the outside, you might not be able to tell, because I don't usually question or rebel outwardly unless I feel like it's going to make a difference. And like a good Obliger, that most often happens on someone else's behalf. There was a situation at work last fall that didn't make much difference to me, but my co-workers were upset about it, so I went in and asked questions and pushed for change. Probably not typical Obliger behavior.
Am I an Obliger because I feel compelled to meet other people's expectations? Probably. But usually I go along with the program because I know from experience that always questioning, always refusing, doesn't get the results I want. Maybe the difference between me and someone who is truly a rebel is that refusing to comply isn't a compulsion for me. I can think about it and decide what I want to do, whereas maybe someone who is truly a rebel doesn't have that option. (Julie, what do you think?) Or maybe it's just that I'm older and more experienced. It's entirely possible if I'd taken this quiz when I was 19 that I would have had a different result.
An example. If I take a job knowing that there is a dress code, I'm fine with that, because it's part of the job and I've decided to take the job. But if you add a dress code to a job that I took thinking there wasn't one, I would turn into a really, really stubborn questioner. I quit a job once because they changed the rules on me. I agreed to the old rules, not these rules.
Rubin has mixed categories-- Obliger-Rebel, Upholder-Questioner, etc. But none of those fit very well either. So I guess all I'm trying to say is that Gretchen's system, like all systems, works as far as it works, and then it doesn't. I'm sure if she were here she'd explain exactly how I really do fit into one of her categories. But I'm resistant.
Still, I highly, highly recommend the book. Because the times her system works far outweigh the times it doesn't.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Obliger life, part 2: Obliger hacks
More navel gazing. You've been warned.
As I said in the previous post, I'm an Obliger, someone who functions well with external expectations but not so well when I need to be motivated from within (according to Gretchen Rubin, author of the Four Tendencies). But you know, the great thing about being old is that you've learned some stuff. I may not have known anything about the four tendencies, but I have at least a little bit of knowledge about how I function, and without knowing what I was doing, I've come up with some ways to deal with the dilemmas of Obliger life, so I thought I'd share.
Exhibit A: this blog. I've taken several breaks, of course, even some long ones, but mostly, I've been blogging steadily (here and in my previous blogs) for a long time now. No one expects me to do it, no one gives me a grade, no one pats me on the head. I've never figured out those associate links and I don't have ads, so there is definitely no financial payoff. So if I'm such an Obliger, how am I doing this? I shouldn't be able to accomplish anything that doesn't come with external expectations or rewards.
I think that maybe having a creative outlet is something that can do an end run around an Obliger's usual need for external motivation. I have friends who paint or knit or scrapbook. Or cook. My grandmother crocheted doilies for every surface in the house. If Obligers were only capable of responding to external motivation, creative hobbies would never happen, because they're not required by any external source. But most people--and since Obligers are the largest group, surely some of them are Obligers--get a great deal of personal satisfaction out of their hobbies, even if nobody appreciates it.
I haven't talked to any other Obligers, so I can't speak for everyone, but for me, that outlet needs to be something sort of small that can fly under the radar, so to speak. I don't make a secret of my blog, but not very many people know about it. It's a really satisfying feeling to know that this is just my thing, not anybody else's, and I can say whatever I want (even if I lose 80% of my readers, as I did after some recent posts).
And a related one: I have a terrible time motivating myself to finish projects, even if I start them full of enthusiasm (which sounds like a classic obliger problem). Rubin wants Obligers to come up with some sort of exernal accountability system to deal with this dilemma, but I'm such an introvert that the thought of checking in with a group about my little things isn't very appealing.
I've learned that I can eventually get stuff done if I bite off tiny chunks at a time. Instead of cleaning out an entire closet, clean out one shelf at a time, or even half a shelf. Spend five minutes, or even three minutes, making progress on an unfinished project every day. I can do that. If I set aside three hours to plow through something, in half an hour I'm overwhelmed, but three minutes is totally do-able. Eventually things get done.
And another one: Choose your job or your church or your volunteer work carefully. Obligers feel a certain amount of compulsion to go along with the program, so make sure the program is something you can feel good about. (I just deleted a long paragraph of more detail about that, but it was boring and this is already too long.)
And another: this isn't really an ObligerLifeHack, just an observation. One of the many mind blowing realizations I had about being an Obliger was OH!! That's why other people don't think I'm a failure. I mean, this isn't something that I bring up with just anybody, but on the few occasions when I've confessed to my deep feelings of failure and disappointment in myself, the person I'm talking to looks at me like I'm nuts. How can you possibly feel like a failure? But the idea of being an Obliger makes it immediately clear: because I haven't failed at meeting their expectations, I've just failed at meeting my own.
This has gone on way too long, and I didn't really get to another thing I wanted to say, so surprise, there will be a Part 3. I've already mostly written it so maybe even tomorrow.
As I said in the previous post, I'm an Obliger, someone who functions well with external expectations but not so well when I need to be motivated from within (according to Gretchen Rubin, author of the Four Tendencies). But you know, the great thing about being old is that you've learned some stuff. I may not have known anything about the four tendencies, but I have at least a little bit of knowledge about how I function, and without knowing what I was doing, I've come up with some ways to deal with the dilemmas of Obliger life, so I thought I'd share.
Exhibit A: this blog. I've taken several breaks, of course, even some long ones, but mostly, I've been blogging steadily (here and in my previous blogs) for a long time now. No one expects me to do it, no one gives me a grade, no one pats me on the head. I've never figured out those associate links and I don't have ads, so there is definitely no financial payoff. So if I'm such an Obliger, how am I doing this? I shouldn't be able to accomplish anything that doesn't come with external expectations or rewards.
I think that maybe having a creative outlet is something that can do an end run around an Obliger's usual need for external motivation. I have friends who paint or knit or scrapbook. Or cook. My grandmother crocheted doilies for every surface in the house. If Obligers were only capable of responding to external motivation, creative hobbies would never happen, because they're not required by any external source. But most people--and since Obligers are the largest group, surely some of them are Obligers--get a great deal of personal satisfaction out of their hobbies, even if nobody appreciates it.
I haven't talked to any other Obligers, so I can't speak for everyone, but for me, that outlet needs to be something sort of small that can fly under the radar, so to speak. I don't make a secret of my blog, but not very many people know about it. It's a really satisfying feeling to know that this is just my thing, not anybody else's, and I can say whatever I want (even if I lose 80% of my readers, as I did after some recent posts).
And a related one: I have a terrible time motivating myself to finish projects, even if I start them full of enthusiasm (which sounds like a classic obliger problem). Rubin wants Obligers to come up with some sort of exernal accountability system to deal with this dilemma, but I'm such an introvert that the thought of checking in with a group about my little things isn't very appealing.
I've learned that I can eventually get stuff done if I bite off tiny chunks at a time. Instead of cleaning out an entire closet, clean out one shelf at a time, or even half a shelf. Spend five minutes, or even three minutes, making progress on an unfinished project every day. I can do that. If I set aside three hours to plow through something, in half an hour I'm overwhelmed, but three minutes is totally do-able. Eventually things get done.
And another one: Choose your job or your church or your volunteer work carefully. Obligers feel a certain amount of compulsion to go along with the program, so make sure the program is something you can feel good about. (I just deleted a long paragraph of more detail about that, but it was boring and this is already too long.)
And another: this isn't really an ObligerLifeHack, just an observation. One of the many mind blowing realizations I had about being an Obliger was OH!! That's why other people don't think I'm a failure. I mean, this isn't something that I bring up with just anybody, but on the few occasions when I've confessed to my deep feelings of failure and disappointment in myself, the person I'm talking to looks at me like I'm nuts. How can you possibly feel like a failure? But the idea of being an Obliger makes it immediately clear: because I haven't failed at meeting their expectations, I've just failed at meeting my own.
This has gone on way too long, and I didn't really get to another thing I wanted to say, so surprise, there will be a Part 3. I've already mostly written it so maybe even tomorrow.
Friday, March 23, 2018
7ToF: Mexico, WiFi, and our pitiful NCAA Bracket
1. Mexico was great. Just in case you had any doubts. We stayed at a little place about an hour north of the Los Cabos airport. Apparently, it is their shoulder season because we were practically the only people there midweek. When the weekenders started rolling in on Thursday, we were a little bit pissed that they were taking over our private pool.
2. One of my favorite things about it was the way they had their wireless set up. The hotel units circled the pool, and then there was a beachfront restaurant. You could only connect to their wireless if you were at the restaurant (or sitting on one of the benches outside). It was perfect--no problem to go and check your email or text messages if you wanted to, but no internet in the rooms or by the pool. It made me wonder if we could figure out a way to restrict the wireless at our house to a single room--easy to access when you need it, but not too easy.
3. I think I'm coming to the end of experimenting with online access (see relevant posts back in January). I'm glad I took a break for awhile, because it let me see how my brain feels when I'm relatively disconnected vs. how I feel when I'm "always-on." Honestly, there are some times when "always-on" is what I want. But usually, I feel better if I'm only accessing the internet when I actually consciously want to use it, as opposed to just automatically reaching for my phone every few minutes. Of course, I'm not always perfect at doing this. But I'm better at it than I was before.
4. One of the things I've had to adjust is being an information junkie. I love trivia. If you're a trivia nut, Google is the most amazing, terrific, sublime thing ever. You can find out any little thing you ever wanted to know from Google. You can track down the name of that British mystery series you read ten years ago. You can figure out where you've seen Sally Hawkins before (she was Anne Elliott in the BBC version of Persuasion). It's become second nature to me, anytime I don't know something, to grab my phone and look it up. It's hard to even remember what it felt like back in the day when you had to wait till you got home to look something up in a dictionary or an encyclopedia. But when I grab my phone while having lunch with friends, it doesn't matter if I'm googling movie trivia or checking text messages, it's rude. I'm trying to stop.
5. And just to prove how imperfectly I am accomplishing this: I downloaded a new game this week, which both reminded me how much fun games can be, and also how quickly I get sucked into spending 2-3 hours a day on them. This week, it was fun and relaxing. But I think I will probably delete the game in another day or two. For one thing, I've reached the point where you have to start buying things to keep going. They get you hooked on the levels that you can win for free, and then gradually amp up the difficulty until you can't progress without paying for extra tools or boosters or whatever. Really irritating, but since I'm so cheap, it also acts as a natural deterrent-- I'm OK with spending $5-ish on a game that I'm enjoying, but past that point, there are other things I'd rather spend my money on. About a million other things.
6. Like everybody, our March Madness bracket got trashed. I used the CBSSports app, which allows you to create three brackets for free. We picked Virginia to win it all in the first one (they lost in the first round), Cincy to win it all in the second one (they lost in the second round), and for the third one we used the "auto fill" option for random selections, which gave us Villanova as national champion (still possible). Pretty sad when the random auto fill is smarter than you are.
7. You remember about a month ago when we were discussing how to weed out books when you have too many of them? I complained that all those "clear your clutter" advice people are not much help when it comes to books, because they (apparently) don't like books. They generally think you should get rid of them. But not long after I wrote that, I read somewhere (apologies for not remembering where) a comment that said, "Seriously, if you've had a book for five years and you haven't read it yet, are you ever going to?"
My first reaction was dismissive. I have stacks of books that of course I'm going to read some day. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought maybe they're right. I could go through my as-yet-unread books with that thought in mind-- am I really going to read this someday? and I bet I could get rid of a bunch more. Because we are still in need of major decluttering around here and I could use the shelf space. Hmmmmm. I am thinking about this. (The house-wide decluttering project is #1 on my list once I finish my job.)
Part Two of the Obliger Life post is coming, I just couldn't get it done in time for Friday. Have a great weekend.
 |
| imagine James Taylor singing "Mexico" |
3. I think I'm coming to the end of experimenting with online access (see relevant posts back in January). I'm glad I took a break for awhile, because it let me see how my brain feels when I'm relatively disconnected vs. how I feel when I'm "always-on." Honestly, there are some times when "always-on" is what I want. But usually, I feel better if I'm only accessing the internet when I actually consciously want to use it, as opposed to just automatically reaching for my phone every few minutes. Of course, I'm not always perfect at doing this. But I'm better at it than I was before.
4. One of the things I've had to adjust is being an information junkie. I love trivia. If you're a trivia nut, Google is the most amazing, terrific, sublime thing ever. You can find out any little thing you ever wanted to know from Google. You can track down the name of that British mystery series you read ten years ago. You can figure out where you've seen Sally Hawkins before (she was Anne Elliott in the BBC version of Persuasion). It's become second nature to me, anytime I don't know something, to grab my phone and look it up. It's hard to even remember what it felt like back in the day when you had to wait till you got home to look something up in a dictionary or an encyclopedia. But when I grab my phone while having lunch with friends, it doesn't matter if I'm googling movie trivia or checking text messages, it's rude. I'm trying to stop.
5. And just to prove how imperfectly I am accomplishing this: I downloaded a new game this week, which both reminded me how much fun games can be, and also how quickly I get sucked into spending 2-3 hours a day on them. This week, it was fun and relaxing. But I think I will probably delete the game in another day or two. For one thing, I've reached the point where you have to start buying things to keep going. They get you hooked on the levels that you can win for free, and then gradually amp up the difficulty until you can't progress without paying for extra tools or boosters or whatever. Really irritating, but since I'm so cheap, it also acts as a natural deterrent-- I'm OK with spending $5-ish on a game that I'm enjoying, but past that point, there are other things I'd rather spend my money on. About a million other things.
6. Like everybody, our March Madness bracket got trashed. I used the CBSSports app, which allows you to create three brackets for free. We picked Virginia to win it all in the first one (they lost in the first round), Cincy to win it all in the second one (they lost in the second round), and for the third one we used the "auto fill" option for random selections, which gave us Villanova as national champion (still possible). Pretty sad when the random auto fill is smarter than you are.
7. You remember about a month ago when we were discussing how to weed out books when you have too many of them? I complained that all those "clear your clutter" advice people are not much help when it comes to books, because they (apparently) don't like books. They generally think you should get rid of them. But not long after I wrote that, I read somewhere (apologies for not remembering where) a comment that said, "Seriously, if you've had a book for five years and you haven't read it yet, are you ever going to?"
My first reaction was dismissive. I have stacks of books that of course I'm going to read some day. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought maybe they're right. I could go through my as-yet-unread books with that thought in mind-- am I really going to read this someday? and I bet I could get rid of a bunch more. Because we are still in need of major decluttering around here and I could use the shelf space. Hmmmmm. I am thinking about this. (The house-wide decluttering project is #1 on my list once I finish my job.)
Part Two of the Obliger Life post is coming, I just couldn't get it done in time for Friday. Have a great weekend.
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Obliger life, part 1
The next couple of posts are pure navel-gazing. Avoid if you're not in the mood.
Reader Laurel first told me about Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies (and here is Gretchen Rubin's website). I was intrigued. I've told you before that I'm fascinated by personality types, frameworks like the Meyers-Briggs or DiSC that help me understand why I think and act the way I do. I went right over to read about them.
The Four Tendencies are fairly new--Rubin has been writing about them for a couple of years, but her book was just published last fall. The tendencies explain the way we respond to expectations, both our expectations of ourselves (inner expectations) and other people's expectations for us (outer expectations). Rubin has four categories: Upholder (meets both inner and outer expectations with relative ease), Questioner (meets inner expectations but questions expectations placed on them by others), Obliger (meets expectations placed on them by others, but has difficulty prioritizing their own internal expectations), and Rebel (refuses to be bound by either inner or outer expectations).
As a general framework, it's pretty damn helpful. I was surprised to find, after I took the test, that I am an Obliger. I've always thought of myself as a rebel--more on that next time--but once I got over the surprise, and the aversion to being an Obliger (because how boring is that), it helped me understand some things about myself that have never made sense to me.
Obligers shine when people are depending on them, expecting them to get things done. Obligers will knock themselves out to do what a boss/volunteer coordinator/teacher/trainer wants us to do, but left to our own devices, we wander aimlessly, unable to accomplish much of anything. So suddenly it made sense--for example--why I was so good at school and so bad at getting myself to write, back in the day when I was trying to write fiction. Because school is all about external expectations and writing a novel is all about motivating yourself to write.
And oh my lord do I wish Dean and I had known about this when our kids were younger. We could have saved ourselves years of wear and tear. I think Dean is mostly an Upholder. He is a stellar professional and member of our community, and he is stellar at taking care of himself. If he feels like he needs some exercise, he is going to get some exercise. He will not feel guilty about this and he will not be talked out of it— in fact, he will be entirely cheerful and positive in his insistence that he will be a better husband and father if he gets some exercise. (and it's true, he is.)
But when our kids were small, I did not understand this. To me, it seemed selfish in the extreme to come home from work after I'd had a long day with the kids and immediately insist that he needed more time away because he had to get some exercise. But since I am an Obliger, and Obligers are all about doing what other people expect us to do, for the most part, I went along with it and internally seethed. (which, of course, leaked out, as he would tell you if he were here.)
But the flip side is understanding his reaction to me, because it seemed to me that he was never supportive of my need for time away from the kids. I kept waiting for him to say, OK, now it's your turn. Have fun, we'll see you in a couple of hours. And he rarely did. But I kept waiting. As an Obliger, I wanted him to tell me: you need some time to yourself. Go take a break. It is surprisingly difficult for me to make my own needs a priority, but if he told me to do it, it would be easy.
But in his mind--because he didn't know any of this either-- if it was important for me to have some time away from the kids, I would just do it, because that's what he does. Since I didn't do it, it must have seemed to him that it wasn't important to me. I get this now. I'm still not sure I like it. But knowing about the tendencies gives me a way to understand him that I didn't have at the time, which would have really helped me make sense of the dynamic between us, and given me a better framework for reacting with less blaming/judging.
Reader Laurel first told me about Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies (and here is Gretchen Rubin's website). I was intrigued. I've told you before that I'm fascinated by personality types, frameworks like the Meyers-Briggs or DiSC that help me understand why I think and act the way I do. I went right over to read about them.
The Four Tendencies are fairly new--Rubin has been writing about them for a couple of years, but her book was just published last fall. The tendencies explain the way we respond to expectations, both our expectations of ourselves (inner expectations) and other people's expectations for us (outer expectations). Rubin has four categories: Upholder (meets both inner and outer expectations with relative ease), Questioner (meets inner expectations but questions expectations placed on them by others), Obliger (meets expectations placed on them by others, but has difficulty prioritizing their own internal expectations), and Rebel (refuses to be bound by either inner or outer expectations).
As a general framework, it's pretty damn helpful. I was surprised to find, after I took the test, that I am an Obliger. I've always thought of myself as a rebel--more on that next time--but once I got over the surprise, and the aversion to being an Obliger (because how boring is that), it helped me understand some things about myself that have never made sense to me.
Obligers shine when people are depending on them, expecting them to get things done. Obligers will knock themselves out to do what a boss/volunteer coordinator/teacher/trainer wants us to do, but left to our own devices, we wander aimlessly, unable to accomplish much of anything. So suddenly it made sense--for example--why I was so good at school and so bad at getting myself to write, back in the day when I was trying to write fiction. Because school is all about external expectations and writing a novel is all about motivating yourself to write.
And oh my lord do I wish Dean and I had known about this when our kids were younger. We could have saved ourselves years of wear and tear. I think Dean is mostly an Upholder. He is a stellar professional and member of our community, and he is stellar at taking care of himself. If he feels like he needs some exercise, he is going to get some exercise. He will not feel guilty about this and he will not be talked out of it— in fact, he will be entirely cheerful and positive in his insistence that he will be a better husband and father if he gets some exercise. (and it's true, he is.)
But when our kids were small, I did not understand this. To me, it seemed selfish in the extreme to come home from work after I'd had a long day with the kids and immediately insist that he needed more time away because he had to get some exercise. But since I am an Obliger, and Obligers are all about doing what other people expect us to do, for the most part, I went along with it and internally seethed. (which, of course, leaked out, as he would tell you if he were here.)
But the flip side is understanding his reaction to me, because it seemed to me that he was never supportive of my need for time away from the kids. I kept waiting for him to say, OK, now it's your turn. Have fun, we'll see you in a couple of hours. And he rarely did. But I kept waiting. As an Obliger, I wanted him to tell me: you need some time to yourself. Go take a break. It is surprisingly difficult for me to make my own needs a priority, but if he told me to do it, it would be easy.
But in his mind--because he didn't know any of this either-- if it was important for me to have some time away from the kids, I would just do it, because that's what he does. Since I didn't do it, it must have seemed to him that it wasn't important to me. I get this now. I'm still not sure I like it. But knowing about the tendencies gives me a way to understand him that I didn't have at the time, which would have really helped me make sense of the dynamic between us, and given me a better framework for reacting with less blaming/judging.
Another thing Rubin explains about Obligers is the idea of obliger rebellion. Because after an Obliger has met expectations and met expectations and met expectations, suddenly they are DONE. They will quit practically in mid-sentence because NO MORE. It has occurred to me that I am in Lifetime Obliger Rebellion. More about that later, too.
So all in all, I am a big fan of the tendencies, because they've been helpful in ways that feel pretty huge. I find myself thinking about myself and the people around me and the tendencies more often than I would have expected. I highly recommend reading about them, either at her website or in the book.
But part of the reason I think about them so often is because they don't always fit, and it seems to me if I could just figure out the bits that don't fit, that would be even more helpful to me. So additional thoughts about this are coming in Part Two. If you can stand another post full of navel-gazing, come back later this week.
(Sorry this didn't make it up yesterday, there was a small unavoidable delay.)
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
7ToT: just because I can.
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| No sign of spring around here :-( |
2. Since I wasn't blogging last year, you didn't have to live through my decision to get a job, and then the process of trying to find a job that met my fairly strict requirements, and then wait to get an interview, and then wait to hear back, etc etc etc. (We watched The King and I this week so you have to imagine me saying et cetera, et cetera, et cetera with Yul Brynner inflection.) When I heard about my current job, I couldn't believe my luck-- a relatively interesting job that was a one-year position. Perfect!
3. I knew I didn't want to work long term, I just needed something to be my bridge over an unsettled period in our lives (new empty nesters, Dean had a new job, etc etc etc)(sorry). I hate having to quit a job-- it feels like you're letting people down, even when you're leaving for the best of reasons-- so having one that had its endpoint defined before it even began seemed like a gift from heaven.
4. Then about three months after I started, my manager came in one day and said she'd gone to work on the HR folks and convinced them that our positions should be made permanent. My co-workers were thrilled! But I was not. That was the whole point of taking this job. So I had to go through the whole thing of deciding whether or not I really wanted to quit (yes, I did), and getting up the nerve to actually do it. (I made myself not type etc etc etc right there.) And I did. So my last day is April 19th. Not so far off, especially since I'm going to be out next week.
5. Remember when I was doing Weight Watchers? It was a period of my life when I could not bring myself to exercise, but once I got the hang of counting points, WW worked pretty well for me. I lost 15+ pounds, and with minor fluctuations, kept it off for a couple of years. But this winter, it started to creep back on. I've made three valiant efforts to get back into counting points, but even with their new system (which I really like), I just can't seem to get myself to do it.
6. When I had success with it before, I did it almost entirely without exercising, other than going for walks once or twice a week. So this time I decided to reverse my method. Instead of counting points, I'm trying to be sensible about what I eat but step up the physical activity (and when you're at pretty much zero, that's not hard to do). We'll see if this works. I'd like to lose another ten pounds, but even if I don't, at least I want to keep my hard-fought WW loss off.
7. I want to talk some more in future posts about Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies, so if you haven't done it yet, take her quiz sometime so you'll know what I'm talking about. The quiz is here, and a brief explanation/example of the four tendencies is here. There's also a book and videos and probably coffee mugs and tote bags. I'm not entirely won over, but it's given me lots to think about. It's a great way to get a new take on how you look at yourself and the people around you.
So, that's it for me for now. This week is getting pretty crazy so I may not post again until after we get back from vacation. I hope spring is springing wherever you are.